The Silent Treatment & Stonewalling: Why We Do It and How to Stop
Have you ever been in an argument with your partner and suddenly shut down? Maybe you withdrew completely, stopped responding, or gave them the cold shoulder for hours (or even days). If so, you’ve engaged in stonewalling, also known as the silent treatment—a form of emotional withdrawal that can wreak havoc on relationships.
What is Stonewalling?
Stonewalling happens when one partner emotionally shuts down and disengages from a conversation or conflict. It’s often confused with simply needing space, but there’s a key difference:
Taking space is a healthy, conscious choice to regulate emotions before returning to a conversation.
Stonewalling is an automatic, defensive response that blocks connection and resolution.
As a couples therapist, I recognize stonewalling as a learned survival strategy—one that may have helped someone cope in the past but now creates distance and pain in relationships.
Why Do People Stonewall?
People don’t stonewall because they don’t care. In fact, it’s often the opposite—they feel overwhelmed and don’t know how to handle their emotions. Some common reasons include:
Emotional flooding – Feeling overwhelmed by the intensity of an argument, leading to a shutdown.
Fear of conflict – Avoiding confrontation because it feels unsafe or unmanageable.
Learned behaviour – Growing up in an environment where emotions weren’t expressed or were met with criticism.
Desire for control – Using silence as a way to regain power in an argument.
Dr. John Gottman’s research found that stonewalling is one of the "Four Horsemen" of relationship breakdown, along with criticism, defensiveness, and contempt. He found that he could predict whether or not a couple’s relationship would survive if one or more of these attributes was present in a relationship. In his studies, over 85% of stonewallers were men, though people of all genders can engage in this behaviour.
The Impact of Stonewalling on Relationships
Stonewalling may feel protective in the moment, but it sends a painful message to a partner: “You don’t matter.” When one person shuts down, the other often feels:
Rejected and abandoned
Frustrated and unheard
Anxious and insecure about the relationship
Over time, this cycle can lead to deep resentment, emotional disconnection, and even the breakdown of the relationship.
Three Ways to Stop Giving the Silent Treatment
If you catch yourself shutting down, don’t beat yourself up. Instead, recognize that this is an old coping strategy—and one you have the power to change. Here’s how:
1. Learn to Recognize When You're Flooded
Before you can stop stonewalling, you have to notice when it’s happening. Signs of emotional flooding include:
Your heart is racing (above 100 BPM, according to Gottman’s research).
You feel hot, shaky, or like you might cry or explode.
Your mind goes blank or starts racing with defensive thoughts.
When you notice these signs, pause before you shut down completely.
2. Communicate That You Need a Break (Without Disappearing)
Instead of going silent, try saying:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed. I need 20 minutes to calm down, and then I want to come back and talk.”
“I want to work this out, but I need a little time to collect my thoughts.”
This keeps the connection open while still giving you space to self-regulate.
3. Build Emotional Tolerance
Growth and change in relationships often comes from the capacity to stay in difficult conversations and respond instead of react. This means:
Practicing breathing exercises to stay grounded.
Learning to name your emotions instead of acting them out.
Reminding yourself that conflict isn’t a threat—it’s an opportunity for deeper connection.
Final Thoughts
If stonewalling has been a pattern in your relationship, change is possible. The key is shifting from shutting down to staying engaged—even when it’s hard. The more you practice, the more you’ll build resilience and deepen your connection with your partner.
Want more support in breaking old relationship patterns? Therapy can help you unlearn stonewalling and build healthier communication habits.