Your Partner’s Feelings Matter More Than the Facts—Here’s Why
In relationships, we often get stuck in the idea that there is one “true” version of events—the objective reality. But the truth is, when it comes to love, conflict, and connection, objective reality doesn’t matter nearly as much as how each person experiences the situation.
This is one of the core principles of Relational Life Therapy (RLT)—a therapeutic modality founded by Terry Real, and one of the main modalities of therapy I use in my practice. What’s critical in relationships isn’t proving who’s right or wrong but learning to understand and negotiate subjective realities—the unique perspectives, emotions, and experiences each partner brings to the table.
Why Objective Reality Doesn’t Help Relationships
When couples argue, they often fight over the “facts.”
“That’s not what I said!”
“I didn’t roll my eyes at you!”
“That’s not how it happened!”
These arguments are exhausting because they focus on proving one person’s reality over the other’s. But in relationships, there is no universal truth—only two subjective experiences that need to be honoured.
Trying to establish one objective reality can leave both partners feeling unseen, unheard, and invalidated. Even if you “win” the argument by proving your version of events, what have you really won? Your partner still feels misunderstood, which ultimately creates distance rather than connection.
What Matters: Negotiating Subjective Realities
Instead of debating what is true, couples thrive when they focus on what is true for each person—and work together to bridge the gap. Here’s how:
Drop the need to be “right.”
Ask yourself: Do I want to be right, or do I want to be close? Shifting from proving a point to understanding your partner can instantly soften conflict.Validate your partner’s experience.
Even if you see things differently, acknowledge that your partner’s feelings are real to them. Try saying:“I see that this really hurt you.”
“I can understand why you’d feel that way.”
Own your part.
RLT emphasizes relational accountability—the idea that both partners contribute to the dynamic. Instead of blaming, ask:“How did I show up in this situation?”
“What can I take responsibility for?”
Find solutions, not winners.
The goal isn’t to prove who’s right but to find a path forward together. Ask each other:“How can we repair this?”
“What do we both need to feel better?”
The Shift from Conflict to Connection
When couples stop arguing over objective reality and start focusing on subjective experience, something powerful happens: conflict becomes an opportunity for deeper understanding.
Instead of trying to win a fight, partners learn to win back each other’s trust, connection, and intimacy. And that’s a far greater victory than proving a point ever could be.
So, the next time you and your partner find yourselves locked in a battle over what “really” happened, pause. Shift your focus from proving to understanding. Because in relationships, it’s not about the facts—it’s about the feelings.