Bearing the Mental Load: Strategies for Couples from 'Fair Play' by Eve Rodsky
In every relationship, the silent but pervasive presence of 'mental load' can often go unnoticed until it becomes heavy, straining the ties that bind partners together. Mental load, which refers to the incessant and often invisible planning, organizing, and management of household tasks and responsibilities, often burdens one partner more than the other. Eve Rodsky, in her insightful book "Fair Play," sheds light on this often overlooked aspect of relationships, providing a pathway towards equity, understanding, and joint management of household responsibilities.
The Invisible Backpack
Imagine carrying an invisible backpack, perpetually filled with tasks, from remembering to send birthday cards, scheduling doctor's appointments, and planning meals, to keeping track of school events and children's needs. For one person in a partnership, this mental load is an omnipresent responsibility that can sap energy, time, and emotional well-being. This unseen, unacknowledged burden perpetuates a cycle of stress, fatigue, and, often, resentment.
Decoding 'Fair Play'
Rodsky introduces 'Fair Play,' a game-changing solution underpinned by a simple premise: Rebalancing domestic workload to ensure it’s equitably shared by both partners. The idea is not merely to delegate tasks but to engender a holistic understanding and ownership of entire responsibilities, meaning that the physical task and its associated mental load are shared and owned equitably.
Key Concepts from "Fair Play":
Context and CPE: Rodsky emphasizes the importance of 'Conception, Planning, and Execution' (CPE). Each task has these three components, and in order to fairly share the load, partners need to share all three elements of a task, not just the execution part.
Ownership: It’s not merely about ‘helping’ but about taking full ownership of a task. When a partner owns a task, they carry the mental load of that task from start to finish.
Values-Based Framework: Identifying core values as a family and individually ensures that the division of tasks aligns with what matters most to each partner.
Time Is a Finite Resource: Recognizing that time is precious and limited, Rodsky underscores that how couples choose to allocate their time should reflect their shared values and commitments.
Implementing 'Fair Play' in Relationships:
1. Open Conversations:
Having an honest and open conversation about the mental load and the perceived imbalance is the first step toward creating awareness and initiating change.
2. Understand Tasks Holistically:
Every task has its mental, emotional, and physical aspects. Both partners should have a shared understanding of what a task entails – considering the CPE.
3. Divide and Conquer:
Identify tasks and responsibilities, and ensure that they are distributed in a manner that reflects each partner’s strengths, interests, and capacities.
4. Full Ownership:
Ensure that for the tasks allocated, each partner takes full ownership, relieving the other from the associated mental load.
5. Establish Boundaries and Stick to Them:
Once tasks are divided, trust your partner to handle their responsibilities and refrain from micromanaging.
6. Regular Check-Ins:
Establish a routine for check-ins to discuss what’s working and what’s not, and recalibrate as needed to adapt to changing circumstances and needs.
7. Acknowledge and Appreciate:
Show gratitude and appreciation for each other’s efforts, fostering a positive environment and reinforcing partnership.
Moving Towards Equity:
Rodsky’s 'Fair Play' isn’t merely about task management; it is about fairness, respect, and acknowledging the invisible labour that often goes unnoticed and undervalued. By actively implementing these strategies, couples can navigate towards a relationship where the mental load is visible, acknowledged, and shared, fostering a partnership rooted in equity and mutual respect.
Adopting a practice of fairness in sharing the mental load not only alleviates stress and enhances personal well-being but also fortifies the relationship, making it more resilient, supportive, and harmonious. By playing "Fair Play," couples co-create a home where responsibilities, joys, and challenges are truly shared, paving the way for a healthier, happier partnership.